Thursday, May 5, 2011

Triple breasted, Royal Reptile shacks up with a load of leeches

Like many bloggers I suffer from an overwhelming curiosity about who on earth could possibly be reading my blog once I’ve discounted friends, family and mad stalkers. I use a programme called Web-Stat that gives me some basic information on people tapping into the blog. Just so none of you panic on the privacy issues at this point, apart from your bank details, it just gives me a rough geographic location, and sometimes, but not infallibly whether you have visited the site before and the path you took to get there which is called the referrer e.g. did you come through Google or through the site of one of my blogger friends.

The bit I find most interesting is that if people have entered the site through a search engine such as Google, Web-Stat tracks what key words they entered in the search engine box. At times I can spot a distinct pattern to these key words, for example if Sydney is having one of its prolonged wet periods where you start calculating size of back garden and potential proportions of Ark like structures, I tend to get a lot of hits using the key words “leeches in Sydney”, thus conjuring up the image of hordes of desperate Sydneysiders, tapping away at the computer, with bloodsucking leeches hanging off their every word, as it were.

My last post was entitled “Royal Wedding Reptile”, which was partly a reference to the scaly rash gradually transforming me into someone who was guaranteed some kind of starring role as an extra in ‘Night of the Iguana’. Rash is fortunately now receding, thank you for asking, and I no longer fear the call from Gucci, asking if I am available for a measuring session to work out how many belts and handbags they could craft from what I am sure they would deem a fair sized hide. The bizarre thing, rash aside, is that the blog has been blown out of the water by hits from people hunting for the key words “Royal wedding reptile”, “Kate Middleton reptilian” etc. At first I thought had there been some kind of serpent or lizard incident that I had missed at the wedding, and then as I started to do some key word searches myself I realised there is a theory – held by a number of people – a quite substantial number all over the world, based on the highly scientific study I’ve conducted of my hits, who believe there is a strong possibility that Kate Middleton and the Royal Family are cunningly disguised reptiles or more correctly reptilian humanoids!!!!!!!!!My mother has always said that peppering one’s writing with exclamation marks is unnecessary – but I have to say in some cases words fail me, and only the written equivalent of the wide-open mouth meets the case!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I could ask you to guess what the other most frequently used key words are – but I think we could be in for a long night as it is yet another bizarre manifestation of the “None as queer as folk” motif – and in this case in a wild surmise I would perhaps be adding “as menfolk”. I wrote a piece about guests who stayed longer than three nights, and called it “Three breasts and guests” – take a guess which particular bit of that title people Google??

That vain, publicity seeking side of me (the half reptile bit obviously) is very tempted to title all my posts in order to ensure maximum hits, I’m thinking along the lines of ‘Triple breasted, Royal Reptile shacks up with a load of leeches’ – and apologies to all of you who clicked in breathless anticipation upon that very title and discovered you had been suckered into suburban domestic territory.

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